Face to Face with Myself

For the last one year, since the death of my mother, i have been going through severe emotional crisis.  The crisis has aggravated to such an extent in the recent months that it is seriously impacting upon my behavior and outlook towards life. I seem to be slowly and gradually losing out on the plot of life. I am aware but feel possessed by a ghost of negativity and darkness.

My mother has been the sole reference point of my life for 41 years, since the death of my father in 1972 when i was barely 9 years old. Life has been a struggle for survival, with my mother as the rallying point, till i could economically settle down in life, around 1990s. Braving physical handicap, financial insolvency, loss of shelter, absence of social support and post operative trauma of advance stage breast cancer, she ensured that her children grow up as self reliant individuals. She held on to us as does a cat to her kittens. 

Next 23 years saw life changing on many fronts with newer challenges through acquisition of family, progression in career, material assets, expanding social fabric and avenues of enjoyment. Through all this, my mother continued to be the sole center of strength for me. However the roles had reversed.With progressively falling health with age and declining social relevance in the changed socio economic profile of my acquired family, my mother had been slowly and gradually transformed into a frail and nervous lady, dependent on others for her survival. While my mother's well being and happiness remained my sole concern and engagement, i was a compromised, helpless and mute witness to the slow and steady process of her fading away into the sunset of her life. It was painful, but still, she was with me. She and I were together. She would hold me by hand every now and then out of insecurity and loneliness. Her love kept me going despite all odds on personal front.I lived on hope.

Then suddenly she was no more after being confined for two days. I was shocked. I couldn't react. I didn't cry. I had to be busy with the obsequies and follow up ceremonies. Her absence had not sunk in. I could sense that a tragedy has taken place and something irretrievable has happened. But it took a few days. Meanwhile i was unceremoniously ousted from my workplace depriving me of valuable social support.

It is almost one year since then. The pain and agony of her absence has slowly engulfed me in its full measure. I have lost the purpose of my life. The suffering is beyond expression. With everyone around, i find myself alone.  I cry whenever alone. I see my mother in my dreams.I feel her presence everywhere around but still cant touch her, cant talk to her, can't do anything for her. I find myself trying to convince myself to end this purposeless life and unite with my mother. I am tempted to end my life everyday. I am becoming intemperate and impatient. I have started resenting people. Negativity and hopelessness is slowly taking toll of my inner conscience. I have always philosophized on the event of death as a befitting conclusion to this beautiful life. Now i realize the emotional trauma attached to death. 


I have reached a flashpoint now. Its now or never. I need to introspect and meditate on myself. The derailed 'journey to self' must be brought back on track. I need to conceptualize the absence of my mother in her physical body as another event in my journey back 'home'. Her death has to be understood in the perspective of spiritual path I have embarked upon.I need to reassess my priorities to move ahead on my destined path to 'be in self'.

 Maa Anandamayee

I seek the blessings of Guru Maa and best wishes of all my fellow travelers in this moment of crisis so that i can come back to 'life' once again.


Finally, i surrender myself at the holy feet of my mother who brought me to this world and thus far, to realize the meaning of life and be united with her for ever in all pervading 'consciousness'.......