Death - an elusive mystery

Death is one subject that has always fascinated me. What happens at death has always been my curiosity.

In the span of last 50 years of physical existence as Arunoday, I have known about the death of thousands of people. Now leaving aside the deaths that I have come to know through media, what evokes my curiosity is the death of people with whom I have shared my existence at social, physical and emotional levels...my friends, colleagues, relatives and my family members.

Its interesting, mystical as well as painful. You have known someone as your friend, uncle, father or mother. You are sharing your existence with such a person with a well defined social identity vis a vis yourself. Then, one day, you face something called death..the friend, relative, father or mother is stated to be no more. He/she doesn't respond. A doctor declares him as 'dead'. With all emotional expressions available at my command, I finish off the physical body of that friend, relative, mother or father either by cremating or burying...

What happened to my father? my mother? my close friend?? 
I have been interacting with my friend..mother..father till a little ago...now what happened? 

Is he no more? Where did he go? Was he 'the' body I cremated or he was 'in' the body I finished off?

Does death brings as end? If so then, end to what? 

Do I conclude that whomsoever I was calling as my friend, colleague, mother, father, uncle was actually a physical body only , with mind and intelligence who ceases to exist on what we call death?

Or do they exist even being dead as physical bodies? If so, then where are they? Can I still contact them? Don't tell me that they are the stars in the sky or residing in heaven with Gods. These are mere illusions of minds....Or their existence so far was an illusion???

This remains a mystery which haunts me...its important for me to demystify this to be able to make a meaning of all the social relationships that I tend to make or social relationships that attach to me by my physical existence. It also gives meaning, if there is, to my physical existence. Am I making these relationships only for my survival as I am mentally, socially and physically conditioned to depend on them?

Leaving at that for others to reflect who feel or claim to pretend that they have any social relationship with me.

Face to Face with Myself

For the last one year, since the death of my mother, i have been going through severe emotional crisis.  The crisis has aggravated to such an extent in the recent months that it is seriously impacting upon my behavior and outlook towards life. I seem to be slowly and gradually losing out on the plot of life. I am aware but feel possessed by a ghost of negativity and darkness.

My mother has been the sole reference point of my life for 41 years, since the death of my father in 1972 when i was barely 9 years old. Life has been a struggle for survival, with my mother as the rallying point, till i could economically settle down in life, around 1990s. Braving physical handicap, financial insolvency, loss of shelter, absence of social support and post operative trauma of advance stage breast cancer, she ensured that her children grow up as self reliant individuals. She held on to us as does a cat to her kittens. 

Next 23 years saw life changing on many fronts with newer challenges through acquisition of family, progression in career, material assets, expanding social fabric and avenues of enjoyment. Through all this, my mother continued to be the sole center of strength for me. However the roles had reversed.With progressively falling health with age and declining social relevance in the changed socio economic profile of my acquired family, my mother had been slowly and gradually transformed into a frail and nervous lady, dependent on others for her survival. While my mother's well being and happiness remained my sole concern and engagement, i was a compromised, helpless and mute witness to the slow and steady process of her fading away into the sunset of her life. It was painful, but still, she was with me. She and I were together. She would hold me by hand every now and then out of insecurity and loneliness. Her love kept me going despite all odds on personal front.I lived on hope.

Then suddenly she was no more after being confined for two days. I was shocked. I couldn't react. I didn't cry. I had to be busy with the obsequies and follow up ceremonies. Her absence had not sunk in. I could sense that a tragedy has taken place and something irretrievable has happened. But it took a few days. Meanwhile i was unceremoniously ousted from my workplace depriving me of valuable social support.

It is almost one year since then. The pain and agony of her absence has slowly engulfed me in its full measure. I have lost the purpose of my life. The suffering is beyond expression. With everyone around, i find myself alone.  I cry whenever alone. I see my mother in my dreams.I feel her presence everywhere around but still cant touch her, cant talk to her, can't do anything for her. I find myself trying to convince myself to end this purposeless life and unite with my mother. I am tempted to end my life everyday. I am becoming intemperate and impatient. I have started resenting people. Negativity and hopelessness is slowly taking toll of my inner conscience. I have always philosophized on the event of death as a befitting conclusion to this beautiful life. Now i realize the emotional trauma attached to death. 


I have reached a flashpoint now. Its now or never. I need to introspect and meditate on myself. The derailed 'journey to self' must be brought back on track. I need to conceptualize the absence of my mother in her physical body as another event in my journey back 'home'. Her death has to be understood in the perspective of spiritual path I have embarked upon.I need to reassess my priorities to move ahead on my destined path to 'be in self'.

 Maa Anandamayee

I seek the blessings of Guru Maa and best wishes of all my fellow travelers in this moment of crisis so that i can come back to 'life' once again.


Finally, i surrender myself at the holy feet of my mother who brought me to this world and thus far, to realize the meaning of life and be united with her for ever in all pervading 'consciousness'.......

Death- musings of a disturbed soul away from its identity

"Survival" is "Suffering"
                                          "Death" is "Deliverance"


Death, as the culminating event in the life of an individual, has always fascinated me. I have always felt that death is probably the best event that can happen in one's life. As life goes on, I am getting convinced with this thought.

Death is one single event that puts an end to all frustrations and aspirations that trouble us throughout our life. Just imagine that if this greedy man were to live on and on, with the hangover of hundreds of his unattainable desires and millions of his unattainable ambitions, life could be miserable. At death, he is relieved of such a great mental load.

All these untiring efforts, day and night, to satisfy the insatiable, exponentially growing desires become meaningless on the occurrence of death. And death is certain. 

Basically, life, in ordinary sense, comprises of events occurring and reaction thereto, between birth and death. A meaningless effort in the search of a mirage that does not exist.



Understanding life in the context of death can bring in a sense of detachment from the events of life and make us look beyond...to that eventual peace, that is certain to come. 


Finally death comes in the form of deliverance.








I desire for the uninterrupted peace of death. Death seems so beautiful. Complete serenity. Nothing to achieve. Nothing can disturb. No anxiety. No ego. No identity. Complete silence. Death is adorable. Life is a compromised existence, restless, bounded by constraints of time, space and identity. Death is deliverance. Death is darkness. Death is Kali- the Goddess -my ishta.

Our life dreams the Utopia. Our death achieves the Ideal.

VICTOR HUGO, Intellectual Autobiography

Love

Love is an unfinished agenda of my life. Unconditional love is 'spirituality in practice'. While I have been witness to occasional glimpses of that unconditional love in my life, it somewhere gets compromised in the identities of individualistic ego. 

Imagine an existence which is connected only through love, boundless love, unconditional love....

Invocation

                                             Sree Sree Guru Sharanam

        At the lotus feet of Maa Anandamayee....

Maa....my life

The pain, anguish and suffering I am going through, is because of my inability to 'be' what I 'am'. I desire to feel that eternal stillness out of which this turbulence emanates ...........